Hey friend, do you remember that story about when God told me to go to a new church but not my husband? If you missed it, you can read it by clicking here.
God wasn't just leading me to the new church, He was specifically instructing my husband to stay at the old church. But Brenton couldn't see what God was doing at the time and the pressure between us really came to a breaking point when I felt God telling me to go on a holiday.
So I'm going to the new church and several times I've invited Brenton to come see it. He refused to come for a couple months until finally one Sunday, he agrees to visit. We go together, the worship rocked out and he loved the music. The pastor was on fire and gave a great sermon, hubby also loved it. And, as usual, after the service you could go up for prayer.
I wanted to go up for prayer so badly especially because at this point I've been under a lot of pressure lately. But I was afraid to because it was going so well and I didn't want to risk turning off my husband from this new church. In hindsight, that was wrong of me and I don't think that way anymore but that was where I was at, at that time.
I had been feeling God telling me to go visit my sister and her husband's new house in Idaho but I wanted a confirmation at church that it really was the right thing to do because I knew how hard it was going to be. It was a very long drive, basically all day of driving just to get there and I'd never gone so far with just me and the kids. And I'd never gone somewhere on a holiday without my husband. And on top of all that, Brenton disagreed that I should go. He wanted me to stay home. We had many fights about it but God kept telling me that I should go on the trip.
So there we are, sitting at church and Brenton has been enjoying it and we've been having a good day. I was wishing to go up for prayer but I kept quiet, and suddenly I hear Brenton say, "I think we should go up for prayer."
Wait, what! I was so happy.
"Yeah! I'd love to go up for prayer!"
A friend of mine took our kids over to help them get in line for the pot luck lunch and we went up to get some prayer.
As we were waiting, one of the men who helps lead the church comes over and starts talking to Brenton. Brenton tells him about our dilemma that I feel I'm being called here but Brenton still feels called to our old church. The man confirms that Brenton should continue staying at the old church until he is able to fulfill the calling he was feeling to confront the old church about their worship. It's actually quite cool how much our new church understood God's plan and they never once told either of us to ignore what we felt like God was telling us to do.
While they were talking, a lady who is one of the senior prayer warriors, comes up to me and I only tell her that I need prayer. She knows nothing about this trip or my struggle with pressure. She takes my hands, prays for a few moments and then says. . .
"I feel God saying that he has prepared a place of rest for you."
Oh my gosh!!!!! YES!!! That was exactly what I needed and that was exactly what this trip was all about. God knew I needed rest from this battle I had been fighting. I thanked her and told her that was exactly the confirmation I'd been asking for.
So we go home and I'm totally happy, feeling so reassured that despite the intense pressure from my husband to stay home, I was supposed to go on this trip. God was teaching me something really big that year. I'd always been a peaceful, go with the flow kind of girl. But God was teaching me how to stand up in my faith and do what was right, no matter how much against the flow it was.
This was not going over well with some of the people in my life, especially my husband. And it was quite literally tearing us apart. I don't want to embarrass him more so I won't go into any details but suffice to say it was the worst time we went through in our marriage. And we've had some major doozies. And just to be clear, I told him many times he was welcome to come along on the trip but he only wanted me to wait and put off the trip until he thought he might be able to come.
But God had told me specifically which day to leave. It was a Saturday and God was very clear with me that I was not to leave a day sooner or a day later. It was tempting to leave sooner, especially because of the fighting, but God helped me with that too. God led me to make plans for that whole week which kept me busy and committed until Saturday.
One thing I felt led to do was have one of those parties where you invite all your friends to your house and they buy stuff and you get free stuff. I've tried it in the past and nobody would come. But I really felt good about this one and I just did it anyway and you know what? I had like 10 people come to my house in the middle of nowhere and with all the orders from people who came or just ordered on my party, I got almost the maximum rewards! When God does something, it flows and it works.
So, I stuck to my guns and I went on the trip. I packed up the car on the day I knew it was right and the kids and I went to Idaho. Well, it was a huge drive so we went to a hotel that was about a third of the way and stayed the night but something really incredible happened.
I woke up the next morning at the hotel and the trip was going like super easy. I woke up before the kids and I was going around getting ready for the day when I stopped and looked in the mirror that was hanging by the door. And it hit me.
"I'm a fucking strong woman of God."
I said it to myself and it felt so good. It was so right. It was so true. And it needed the swear word. I wasn't just a strong woman of God, I was a FUCKING strong woman of God. I really can do ANYTHING he asks me to do. I can accomplish EVERYTHING I was put here on this planet to do. Including swearing on my blog to drive home the point that if I can find that strength inside of me to accomplish what I did, you can too friend. Even if you get judged, condemned and pressured like crazy - you can still do fucking anything God leads you to do.
Then God said something I'll never forget.
"Put it on facebook."
Wait, what.
He only ever says something once because He knows I heard him. So I go to my phone, open up facebook and type it out. My finger hovers over the post button. I'm terrified to press it. I hesitate, I doubt and I fear. But in a moment, I force my finger down despite the fear and the kickback that I know I'm going to get.
Up to this point in my life I've hid the fact that I swear because it was a taboo thing to do. I would only curse when I simply couldn't hold back, in private, usually at my kids. Totally honesty here, my kids have done and said things that made me want to swear and sometimes I give in. It's not good and I always go back and apologize for it because you should never swear AT your children. But it's been this hidden thing in my life. Now God says, do it publicly? He also told me about Colossians 3:8.
“But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.” (That's from the NIV Bible.)
"Ask me what I think filthy language is," God told me.
I pause. . . . "Okay, what do you think filthy language is?"
His answer essentially was that when anyone makes you feel like shit, that's filthy language. I don't want to tell you exactly his words yet because it would be very embarrassing to that person.
And let's be fair here, I've done that and I didn't always need to swear to do it. And it's been done to me, with and without swearing. Read this post for a prime example. My husband has done it to me AND I've done it to him too. But it doesn't have anything to do with a word that some people think you shouldn't use because it's "not a Christian thing to say."
You are not a Christian because do or don't use a few certain words.
Here is the real test. Just ask yourself - how are your words making people feel? If you think about that, you'll know when it's right and when it's wrong. I have to add that sometimes I hear a swear word in a movie or tv show and it's totally hilarious. I think that is just fine to use swear words to make someone laugh or amplify good feelings. But it's a double edged sword and using it to amplify bad feelings or to tear someone down is wrong/sinful and you should ask for forgiveness from both God and people if you swore at another person.
So I hit the share button and you know, there was one thing that I thought about when I did that. I thought to myself, if this helps me reach even one person that God wants to speak to then it's worth it.
Yeah, you guessed it, there was actually one person that this post impacted and I think that we became best friends because of it. It totally bonded us when we were just really getting to know each other and it allowed us to totally relax and just be ourselves. And I haven't even asked her about that but I know she would totally agree.
But it did more than that too. It also showed me who the people were in my life that I could trust and those that I couldn't. Sue, you are someone I totally trust now. You really supported me in that time and that's going to count for eternity.
That post alone taught me so much and I'll never regret posting it. Just like I'll never regret following God's perfect will for my life, no matter who or how many people it pisses off. Whoever doesn't get it, their opinion doesn't matter to me. Those who do get it, they get to be my friends and they get to speak into my life. I still do my best to love everyone to the best of my ability, but that just doesn't include caring about their bullshit. I'm too busy for that.
And take note of this nugget: was there any anger, rage, malice, or slander in my post? Nope, not even a little.
So did my husband come around? Yes, he totally did. He apologized to me for everything he did and even took responsibility that he had caused all of the fights about my trip. To be fair, because everything usually isn't one-sided, I've been learning how to be a better wife too. God is usually teaching me about how to improve myself, not how to fix other people. I also learned that not everything I do has to be approved by my husband, as long as I'm 100 per cent sure God is leading me and it's not just me doing my own thing.
My husband doesn't like me sharing this story yet and I can appreciate that it is embarrassing. So please understand that he is not a bad husband and he has such a good heart. He loves Jesus and he's learning just as much as I am about how to follow God's plan for his life. In fact, we've both been learning about how there were some very controlling demonic spirits operating in our lives when we used to go to our old church. I'll be writing more about that soon.
P.S. - the trip to Idaho was fucking EPIC!!!!! The kids and I had the most amazing time with my family and it's memories we will cherish forever. I will never regret that holiday.
And also one last note: I don't use swear words in my every day talking. I can easily go through a normal conversation without using them. You should have the ability to communicate your thoughts and feelings without swearing because even though there is a time and place for "swear words", there are also many times and places to hold them back.
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