Okay friend. This one is going to be a doozy. In fact I'm a little nervous to tell you this story because the person who is involved in this story won't like it. In fact there is probably going to be almost a whole church full of people who won't like this post.
But I feel compelled to tell it for this one simple reason: for you to know when you're in the wrong church. I'm willing to risk the backlash because I really feel like other people should know what things should never happen in a church family.
#1) If you've ever been made to feel horrible by another church member and nobody does anything about it or makes you feel like it was your fault.
This goes back to a story that I mentioned in another post (click here to read it) where I said that the lady who played the organ in my old church lost it on me when I told her that I wouldn't let her play the organ on my week. I told you the jist of what happened but I wanted to add a few more details so that if you go through something similar, you'll see why it's so wrong for something like this not to be addressed.
So when I was at my old church, very early on I wanted to help with the singing. I didn't want to lead it, but I just wanted to help. So they had different people leading on each week of the month and I started helping out my one friend who had the third Sunday. She picked the songs, she did the talking to the crowd, she was in charge. Over time, she had some health issues and that week became my responsibility.
I used to be a less-confident person and honestly, leading worship terrified me. But I did it and I would just go with the songs people usually wanted and it all went well. Until one day. One fateful day when, after many conversations with my husband about how we wanted to modernize the worship in that church, the lady who played the organ called me up because it was my week to lead worship and she wanted to play the organ with me.
You have to understand one other thing here. This lady who plays the organ, she is the ONLY person allowed to play it because it was her organ, donated by her family in honor of her brother who was tragically killed in a vehicle collision. So you see, it's more than just an organ to her, it's got an emotional element tied to it.
So, even though I knew she wouldn't like it, when she called me up and asked when I would be practicing I tried, in my most politest way possible, to say no. Which I think just came out as plain, "No."
I think this might have been the first time anybody ever told this lady that she couldn't play the organ with them at church.
Our conversation quickly went downhill. Now I can't remember it word for word, obviously. But I can clearly remember my emotional reaction. I felt stripped. Up one side and down the other. I remember she kept coming up with worse and worse reasons why I should not be denying her the right to play the organ that week.
She said that the old people like to hear the organ, that the old people are asking her when she will be playing the organ. And that there was one particular elderly person who was struggling with cancer and was probably going to die soon and this might be the last time they get to hear the organ played.
When I still said no, then she threatened to call the pastor and tell him about my decision. But I knew he wouldn't force me to let her play and I knew that, even if he did, I wouldn't let him change my mind.
I remember just telling her over and over, no. No. NO! Finally she gave up and we said goodbye. She was completely bent out of shape over it and I was deeply hurt by her words.
Let's step back a moment.
Who was in charge of worship that week?
Me.
Who was given authority to make the decision?
Me.
I was completely within my authority to make that call. I was not, in any way, shape or form, overstepping my boundaries at all.
Here's another one: was I stopping her from playing the organ completely? NO. There are three, sometimes four other weeks in the month with other worship teams who would gladly welcome her and her organ. I just said no for my turn on worship. She completely overreacted.
So did anything get resolved? Nope. She did call the pastor after talking to me, like she threatened. I met him and his wife at the church later that week when I went in to practice. I remember how upset they were. They straight out told me how they didn't like being put in the middle of such a conflict.
I remember feeling guilty because I thought it was my fault. If I had just given into her demands, she wouldn't have called him and been so much trouble. He was a mild-mannered man who, like me, didn't deal well with big conflicts.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have felt guilty at all. I still feel badly for him that he had to endure a difficult situation but I know now that I'm not the one who caused it. The organ player did. It was her poor attitude and her hurtful words that caused the pain, not my choice to say no.
I told my friends about what happened. I told my husband about it and I'm pretty sure that eventually most of our small church (100 people-ish) knew about it before long. Most of them said how horrible it was of her to do that but not a single person in authority went to confront her about her actions. They should have. Tearing up a fellow Christian like that over such a trivial thing SHOULD NOT be allowed in a church family. (When I told my new pastor about this he said it would not be allowed in our new church and I could always get help from people in leadership if it ever did happen.)
So, time went on and I simply avoided her, or at best, we gave each other those fake Sunday smiles. Then, about several months later, our pastor's wife got very sick with cancer and they were going to move to a bigger city closer to a treatment centre. Our pastor used to make up the worship schedule and nobody else seemed to want to take it over. So I thought, well fine, I'll do it. I didn't really want to but I just thought someone should do it.
One Sunday, church had just ended and I go around talking to the few people left who help lead worship. One by one they all say yes, please make a schedule and thank you. I'm the only worship leader with kids so the other leaders were usually freer than I am for scheduling.
Then I decide to go and offer to the organ player to ask if I can schedule her into worship. This is a good thing, right? A nice gesture, right? Or so I thought.
"Oh, so you're taking over worship now are you! I think we should have a worship committee meeting about this."
Yeah, she was pissed again. The "worship committee" was me, her and one other lady who wasn't even leading worship anymore. We'd never even had a meeting since I was voted onto the worship committee, like two years ago.
No, I wasn't trying to "take over" all the worship. I just wanted to know when I was needed to do worship and that was it. Nobody was making a schedule but I've got kids and a life and I needed to know what week was mine. But I guess that came across as controlling somehow, even though I was trying to include her.
And that was it. I think we all just texted every week to decide who was doing worship. Then, a few months later, God led me to my new church family where I couldn't even fathom of anybody there ever speaking to me the way that lady did. And if it did happen, I know I could go to the leadership to ask for help and it would be dealt with very quickly and fairly. I have forgiven her in my heart because I know I've sinned greatly too and the Bible says we are freely given forgiveness from God for our own sins and therefore we are not allowed to withhold it from anyone else.
If I ever meet her again, or if she ever talks to me about this blog post, there is only one thing I would hope to see happen. I would love an apology. I don't need it, but it would be amazing. Knowing what I know of this lady, it'll never happen and it would be a miracle if it did.
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